Becoming an expert in everyday interactions.
How many times have you seen negotiators in movies and TV use aggressive tactics to get what they want? The truth is, real-life negotiation looks very different from what we see on the screen. While it may be exciting to watch someone negotiate a bank heist, it's highly unlikely that you'll ever need to free 15 hostages locked in a vault.
That said, whether we realize it or not, our everyday lives are filled with micro-negotiations. From deciding where to go on vacation with our partner, to setting boundaries with our children, to collaborating with colleagues on a project, negotiation has a constant presence in our lives. Given how often we come into contact with these situations, having the ability to maneuver through daily interactions becomes an invaluable skill. In my experience, negotiation offers the opportunity to get better results for both sides. Good negotiators aren't afraid of standing up for their needs, but also have the openness and confidence to work towards finding solutions that work for both parties. The great news is that anyone can learn these skills, regardless of whether you believe you’re naturally good at negotiating or not.
The purpose of the series: Negotiating Everyday Life, is to offer insight and direction to those who are looking to improve their ability to negotiate. To simplify the process, I focus on the three smaller steps, each of which is in under your control: knowing yourself, knowing your audience, and knowing your approach. Like any skill, it takes practice, but the more we use them in our everyday interactions, the more comfortable and natural they become.
A note on “winning”
When negotiating with people you'll continue to interact with, like friends, family, neighbors, or colleagues, be careful not to make "winning" your goal. Every "win" means someone else loses, which often leads to resentment or retaliation in the future. It’s far more beneficial to focus on finding solutions that work for everyone. We all like to feel heard and understood, so make that your goal, and your relationships will thank you.
Part 1: Know Yourself:
“If you don't know what you want, how can you ask for it?”
Good negotiating starts with knowing what you want. Whether it's a material goal, a needs-based objective, or simply setting boundaries, defining your goals is the crucial first step in any negotiation. Knowing what's most important allows you to communicate your objectives clearly and assertively, while remaining open to new ideas and solutions.
Taking time to reflect also has the added benefit of processing emotions ahead of time. While emotions aren't necessarily a bad thing, they can sometimes cloud our judgement, or escalate the conflict.
So before you enter any negotiation, take the time to reflect on what you want, why it matters to you, and how you can communicate it effectively to the other side, by asking yourself the following questions:
The WHAT. What are you asking for?
The WHAT helps you identify your goals and narrow your focus. If you find you have multiple “whats”, see if you can sort them in terms of importance. The key function of this exercise is to transform the ideas floating around in your head into actionable, on-paper, items. Other questions that may encourage thinking include:
What are my top priorities in this situation?
What matters to me most right now?
What do I hope to achieve by making this request?
What would be an ideal outcome for me?
Are there any other possible outcomes that I would also consider successful?
The WHY. Why are you asking for it?
Understanding why you are asking for something is just as important as knowing what you are asking for. The WHY gives strength and clarity. When you have a clear understanding of your motivations, you can articulate your position more effectively and help others understand your perspective. As Nietzsche said, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” Here are a few other questions to ask yourself:
Why is this particular request important to me?
Has someone crossed a boundary or violated a personal value?
Is something I value being negatively impacted or threatened by the situation?
What will be gained or lost if my request is granted or denied?
Are there any underlying beliefs or assumptions that are driving my request?
FAIR. What makes it fair?
The concept of fairness in negotiation is remarkably powerful. While fairness isn't always guaranteed, having a clear understanding of what you consider fair can help you set boundaries and stand your ground. Fairness can refer to the process of negotiation, the outcome of the agreement, or other factors. Here are some additional questions to ask yourself:
Can I back up my position with data or other evidence to support my definition of fairness?
What aspects of the other party's position or behavior don't align with my definition of fairness?
Is my proposal fair to the other side? How can I ensure that it is perceived as fair by both parties?
WHAT IF. What if the other party refuses to come to the table?
Sometimes, despite your finest efforts, the other party refuses to come to the table. When this happens, it's important to have a backup plan. In negotiating circles, this is often referred to as your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). A BATNA, simply put, is a strategy for moving forward and achieving your goals even if a negotiation is not possible. There is tremendous power in a good BATNA. A good alternative offers breathing room, and confidence.
Do I have any other ways of achieving my goals or getting what I need without the other party?
How else can I get what I need if a negotiation is not possible? Are there other paths that could be suitable?
What are some other options I could consider if a negotiation is not possible? For example, could I pursue legal action, seek assistance from a third party, or explore other alternatives for resolving the issue?
Next week, Part 2: Knowing your Audience.
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