Let’s quickly go back to an example we discussed in Part 1: Know Yourself. You and your partner are deciding where to go on holiday. At first glance, the positions seem obvious and conflicting: you’re interested in the mountains, they want a nice beach. As we work our way through Knowing Yourself, we ask ourselves questions about our own motivations: what do we want: the mountains, why do we want it: nature and cooler temperatures. But digging a little deeper, we find we would also appreciate time to reconnect with our partner, and a rest from our everyday stresses and demands. We’ve also thought about what might be considered fair: we each deserve to be heard, and feel as though our wants are incorporated into an outcome.
If you’ve gotten that far, fantastic. The purpose of Part 2: Know your Audience, is to fill in the gaps on the other side. Taking the time to understand your partner's perspective might help you find areas of overlap that will result in a more satisfying outcome for both of you. What’s driving them? Why are they interested in what they say? What are their concerns? Can those concerns be addressed? Read on to find out!
A note on “winning”
When negotiating with people you'll continue to interact with, like friends, family, neighbors, or colleagues, be careful not to make "winning" your goal. Every "win" means someone else loses, which often leads to resentment or retaliation in the future. It’s far more beneficial to focus on finding solutions that work for everyone. We all like to feel heard and understood, so make that your goal, and your relationships will thank you.
Part 2: Know your Audience:
Part 2 is all about getting to know our audience and filling in the gaps on the other side. What might be motivating them? How have past interactions gone? How may they respond to our requests? Are they facing any constraints?
Understanding their interests and motivations:
I really can’t stress enough how important it is to uncover interests and motivations underneath obvious positions. “I want to go to the beach” is really just the tip of the iceberg. There is crucial information below the waterline worth bringing to the surface. The more your solutions address these deeper needs, the more durable they will be. So, try to set your opinions to the side, and make your goal to understand what’s driving the other party, without judgement or advice.
During the conversation, ask open-ended questions to get a better understanding of their viewpoint and to find areas to increase value. For example, if I was discussing the vacation options with my partner, I might ask a few questions just to see what comes up: What interests them most about a beach holiday? What would they like to do when they are there? What bothers them about the mountains? Do they have any other options that interest them?
This isn’t to say bombard them with questions and pre-plan the whole conversation. Just have a few key questions ready to go. One useful technique is to brainstorm potential topics beforehand using the acronym “CHEAP BFV” as a guide. Each letter represents key words that might uncover useful information: Concerns, Hopes, Expectations, Assumptions, Priorities, Beliefs, Values and Fears. Running through these words usually generates new ideas and insights that might not have occurred to me otherwise.
Look at past interactions:
Past interactions are a treasure trove of information. Put on the hat of a data scientist and look for patterns, outcomes, and external factors from previous interactions. Look at what’s worked well, and what hasn’t. When it’s gone well, why did it go well? Was it your approach? Were you both well fed? How tired were you? When it all went off the rails, why? Are there certain topics that always derail it? What topics do you need to be careful around?
Identifying successes and failures can help you shape your approach and increase the likelihood of positive outcomes.
Consider their responses.
Anticipating the other party's responses and objections can help you prepare more effective responses. Try to negotiate with yourself. Put your idea out there, and consider how you might respond. What are some of the strengths of your position? What are the weak points? Can they be addressed? If they have concerns, what might they be and how can I respond? With a follow up question?
Addressing their potential concerns ahead of time will help you shape how and what you present as your proposal.
Consider constraints:
It's important to factor in the possibility that the other party is facing constraints impacting their ability to agree to your proposal. If they are, those constraints will need to be identified and addressed. For example, if you are negotiating a pay raise, and your employer rejects your proposal, it's worth investigating the reasons behind their decision. Perhaps there are budgetary constraints, or someone higher up is setting the rules.
If you encounter a roadblock, consider asking targeted questions to uncover potential constraints. Does someone with more authority have a say in the matter? Are there any financial, structural, or logistical limitations that need to be addressed? By taking the time to consider and address constraints, you can increase the chances of reaching a mutually beneficial agreement.
Next week: Part 3: Knowing your Approach.
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