Communicate openly and honestly.
Be as open and honest as possible about your feelings, concerns, and expectations. Spend some time reflecting on what’s bothering you and why. Relationships built on trust and authenticity are likely to grow and strengthen over time.
Avoid the blame game.
Encourage dialogue by avoiding accusations. Statements framed through the “I” lens are less likely to incite defensive behavior, and cause the other party to dig into their position.
Give them an out.
Aka ‘the benefit of the doubt’. Acknowledge that it’s possible you’ve interpreted their actions incorrectly. A good place to start is with phrases like: “I don’t think it was your intention…”, “I’m not sure I have this right, maybe you can correct me…” or “I might be wrong…”
Be a good listener.
When your partner is speaking, listen to understand, rather than to respond. Approach the conversation with openness and curiosity. You’re engaging in joint problem solving, so its important to understand your partner’s perspective. Avoid communication blockers such as giving advice, being judgmental, or steamrolling the conversation.
When listening, pay attention to the three channels of communication:
- Verbal: the words we use.
- Paraverbal: how we say it.
- Non-verbal: body language.
Come back to it.
If the conversation becomes too heated, come back to it later. Contentious issues are bound to create friction, so allowing time to cool off and regain perspective is a useful strategy in finding mutual understanding. Avoid using the break as an opportunity to sweep the conflict under the rug. Agree on an approximate time to come back to it, and keep chipping away.
Create the right environment.
If you’re anything like me, ‘h-anger’ is a massive obstacle. If possible, make sure both parties are well fed, and in a good state of mind to talk.
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