We’ve all experienced it: a condescending comment, the snarky observation, an unjustified accusation; situations where keeping our cool pushes us to the limit, and sometimes beyond. In those preliminary moments of conflict we face a crossroad; the route we chose setting the tone and direction for what’s to follow.
Escalate the situation with an inflammatory retort, and you may inadvertently make the situation harder to resolve. Respond strategically, and you maintain some control over the process.
Managing conflict is never a cakewalk, but by adopting the right approach and demonstrating a willingness to learn and improve, it's possible to turn it into a skill that you feel confident and comfortable using. That's where A Pathway Through Conflict comes in. This step-by-step guide is designed to help individuals navigate and manage conflicts with ease. By focusing on the essentials, and breaking down the conflict resolution process into three manageable steps, The Pathway provides a practical and effective approach to resolving disputes at every stage of conflict, from beginning to end.
Step One: Avoiding common pitfalls in the preliminary stages of conflict.
The first step of The Pathway is all about doing two things early on: keeping your cool, and managing your initial reaction. By following a few simple steps, we can quickly regain composure, increasing our ability to respond to conflicts in a calm and collected manner.
Part 1: Keeping your cool
Keeping your cool in conflict is incredibly challenging. Conspiring against you is an unlikely suspect: your own body. When you perceive a threat, stress hormones associated with the "fight or flight" response flood your system, concentrating resources away from the logical parts of your brain and towards your vital organs, preparing you for confrontation. While this might be great for fighting off a bear, it’s less effective for resolving conflict, where your biggest advantage lies in the ability to think rationally and creatively.
With less access to rational thought, we become less filtered, exposing ourselves to the inherent risks of saying what’s on our minds. We’re liable to escalate the situation making it more difficult to resolve, say something we later regret, damage our reputation and image, or harm our relationships and team dynamics.
Luckily, with a few simple strategies, those outcomes can be avoided.
Tips for managing emotion.
By developing an understanding of how our bodies naturally react to perceived threats, we can learn to create a separation between our emotions and our actions. Think of it as the change in perspective from passenger to driver: as a passenger, you have no control over the direction, but as a driver, at least you can steer.
A useful starting point is acknowledging that your current emotions are perfectly valid. One of my favored techniques is to identify what I’m feeling, and subsequently explain to myself why those feelings are justified. By accepting them, I create a little bit of space that prevents me from directing my anger towards the other person. Initially, this method might feel quite unnatural, but with practice, it becomes more natural and easier to apply.
Finding a technique to manage your emotional response is an important step along your journey to better conflict resolution, so it’s worth trying a few different methods. If acknowledging your emotions doesn't resonate with you, there are several other techniques worth considering. Here are a few that I have found helpful:
Acknowledging and justifying present emotions.
Taking a few deep breaths.
Practical goal setting (see Part 2 below).
Switching focus to understanding the other party’s perspective.
Reminding yourself not to take it too personally. Multiple factors are at play, many of which are unknown to you.
If all else fails, or just because: politely take a break and find space.
Part 2: Your reactions matter.
How you react to conflict sets the tone and direction of how the process unfolds. Escalate the situation with an inflammatory retort, and you may inadvertently make the situation harder to resolve, finding yourself in a deeper hole than you started with. Respond strategically, and you maintain some control over the process.
The goal should be to respond in a way that de-escalates rather than enflames. And not only to avoid digging ourselves a deeper hole, but also to avoid playing into the other party’s conflict narrative. By affirming an antagonistic comment with an equally sharp response, we give the confrontation life. A strong reaction only adds fuel to their fire.
When unsure how to proceed, it’s best to keep it simple. Focus on a strategic approach by setting easy to establish goals. I ask myself two types of questions: questions that assess the context or situation, and questions that identify my personal goals.
Contextual or situational questions are all about understanding your environment. The idea is that by answering these simple questions, you can find some perspective and direct your approach.
Is now a good time to do this? Or am I better off returning to it later?
How much damage can I do if I deal with this poorly?
Is the other party in a good state to deal with this? Am I in a good state to deal with it?
Is this worth my time and energy?
Personal and goal-related questions focus on establishing what’s important to you.
What am I trying to accomplish?
What is my desired outcome?
What am I hoping to achieve?
Do I need time to assess?
Am I taking this too personally?
How can I go about accomplishing my goals?
Next time you face a potential confrontation, give it a go. Do your best to stay calm, and ask yourself some simple questions to provide direction.
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